This morning my daughter and I witnessed a ‘how well you know your mother’ competition. Whilst she would never have wished to get up in front of others, she gleefully bounced out an answer out to every question and I laughed along.
Then it got to the question, ‘What does your mum do to relax?’. She answered, ‘Watch television’. I looked confused and countered with, ‘When do I ever get the chance to watch television?’, and so she offered up ‘Drink wine?'.
I asked her why those answers and she volunteered, ‘That’s what you did when I video called [her best friends]’.
She’s right. It was. With the promise of a couple of hours to myself, exhausted from a long day, I took control over the living room sofa and the tv remote, poured a glass of wine and relished in the peace and quiet. Faced with the question of me relaxing, she could only think of one thing from one time.
I felt guilty. Not for having that time to myself, but for the kind of image I was giving her.
They’re not my favourite things to do to relax, my top favourite is I suppose tv, but only because it’s snuggling down with her on the sofa in an evening whilst she watches reruns of #escapetothechateau. For just me? I love reading, poetry, writing, singing, drawing, painting. I love going for walks, just pootling. Taking in the architecture, the scenery, just the beauty that is every day life. I do like tv and movies, but theatre is my favourite.
I felt guilty because I realised that she doesn’t have an example of me enjoying these things. I don’t currently have the time. Yes, I know time is about priorities and that we make time for what we prioritise, but the truth right now is that this is the season I am in. It just has to drop off the bottom because, currently, other things are more important.
Still, I thought about @hollytucker’s recent Instagram post with her new hashtag #FoundersRaisingTheFuture. In it she refers to all the women leading a way and setting the tone for the next generation of women. They see us and they learn vicariously.
For a good hour or so, I sat with the thought that the tone I’m setting with her is that there is just no time for relaxation. Whilst it may currently be a reality most of the time, I felt this sudden weight of guilt that I am setting her up with an example that the future is a place where her time will never truly be hers. I might currently be modelling work ethic, but not the balance. I was still sitting in this when we got back home.
Back through the door to home, she excitedly presented me with a poster that she made at Brownies.
What my mum is…
The first thing on her list was something I do to bring money in… and my heart sank. It's not even my main source of income, but it’s been a steady part of our lives for the last couple of years and I’m grateful for it. In black and white, written in her hand before me, it seems to reiterate my earlier thought, that my balance was way off, and she was feeling the negative effects of it.
Then I got to the rest of the list.
I cried. Not the sobbing cry, Just the damp eyes, lump in the throat, silent cry. Yet the tears were still there.
My lesson for today is that maybe we can listen to lessons, without burdening ourselves with the weight of any well meaning mistake.
I won’t always get it right, but I try. I’m watching when my ship goes off course, and I make efforts to right it. I’m honest and I take honest feedback. At home and in work.
I took this picture at a park the other week and I realised it was just waiting patiently for me to really listen to what it was telling me.
Maybe you need it today too.
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As always, if you are feeling troubled, please consider whether you think you would benefit from getting relevant support. https://helplines.org/helplines/
Please also remember that it is important to safeguard yourselves as you try and be there for others.
© Highcroft Writing 2023