It was the way she said, “Is that you?” She looked up at me for confirmation and then back to the photograph. “You look, pretty…”. She looked back at me and smiled again. There was a pride in her eyes.
I got the inference. I don’t look pretty now. I am not one of the pretty mums. I am not one of the cool mums. I am her mum and she loves me, would not swop me, but there is still a piece of her that wishes I were all of it. A mum she could be proud of, not just love.
I smiled slowly, from the heart, with so many thoughts spinning through my head. I am pleased she thinks I once looked pretty, I am pleased she loves me even though I am not anymore and, whilst there is definitely part of me that would like to be considered pretty, I was most surprised by how little real importance it has in my life. It was an odd feeling. My weight, my looks, my visible
age, all the visual things that the world looks at, they might have changed peoples perceptions of me through time, but they didn’t really have an impact on the things that truly matter. That peace.
I flicked through more old photographs whilst she was in the bath. Took a journey with that girl who feels like just another one of those people I once knew so very well, but lost touch with.
I haven’t unpacked it all yet, but there would absolutely have been a time when I would have taken that moment to heart. I would have felt the gentle jab and let it wound me. What it actually gave me that night, and I guess still to this day, was a little healing. It was another piece of my peace puzzle, as you’d call it. A strange shape, not so obviously pleasing to the eye at first, but obviously perfectly timed and one that I must have needed.
Still many pieces to go, don’t get me wrong, but I’m still strangely grateful for that one. I feel like maybe it’s one of those corner pieces. It’s going to make completing the puzzle just that little bit easier.
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Image description : A photograph taken of an old strip of photograph negatives. From the image you can just make out the body of an adult cradling a child in their arms.