Whether you're
- employed,
- self employed,
- a bit of both,
- or its about personal relationships,
one guarantee is that, given the chance, life will place endless demands at your door.
Many experts will tell you that managing the balance is about setting boundaries - learning to say no, to allow you to focus on your healthy yes'.
A quick internet search will give you a wealth of resources and I won't duplicate those here, but I wanted to add my thoughts on something I had to focus on recently.
Its not just about putting boundaries in place. The hard part of the work with boundaries is often keeping them.
You've thought about your boundaries, you've set them, you're clear on them and then...
When working with someone on their challenges this week, I realised that I am a recurrent boundary breaker. Not other people's. I respect other people's boundaries. I'm talking about my own.
I put in the work to be clear in my mind on my own boundaries. What they need to be, what I want them to be, and why they are there (I may even have little backup boundaries) but I realised that too often I don't respect them.
Just as examples (and naming no names):
- As a self employed small business buddy, I may choose to only see clients Monday to Friday, but then a long term client can only meet on a weekend for one week, and so I juggle and bend. Now they want to only meet on weekends...
- In an employed business support role, my contract might say Xhrs, and I get paid for the Xhrs, but I find myself being asked to do something "just before I go", or I am messaged to do a quick something outside of hours (all without additional recompense). I am committed to my role, care about the company and my colleagues, and so I 'help', but then it becomes time and time again...
- As a partner in a relationship, I may say yes to keep the peace in the moment but, as the number of moments keep building, that temporary peace starts becoming something else.
I am not saying that every boundary needs to be iron-tight. Flexibility is key, and I will always want to help (it's my nature and it's probably in yours too), but I am advising you to keep an eye on the patterns. They are the gateway to understanding why and helping resolve the (internal) conflict.
Saying yes to everything is not just not possible, it's not good for you either.
If you do find yourself repeatedly breaking boundaries, consider the following:
- Which boundary do you keep breaking?
- Who are you breaking it for?
and here's the really important bit...
- What's powering your boundary/boundaries?
- What's powering your breaking of them?
Is that sounds a little 'woo', think of it like this:
"I set my working hours within school time, because I want to be present for my daughter. She needs me fully there right now. She asked me to, asked me to spend more time with her." That's the power behind the boundary
"I don't want to be seen as unhelpful. I don't want to let down my colleagues. I need this job and I'm worried they'll let me go if I don't meet all their requests."
That's the power behind the breaking of the boundary.
It's one thing to be flexible and helpful, and another to give yourself, your power, away because you're scared of something.
Fear is a valid reason to put a boundary in place, but it shouldn't be the reason we break one.
The work here is about putting yourself in a position where that fear isn't the thing in control. There are many ways to proactively address the example given above, and that's a different conversation entirely, but it is a good example of how important it is to understanding both what's powering the boundary and the boundary breaking. Sticking to the boundary regardless, won't address the fear (and possible reality) of losing the job. Working on the latter (whatever that entails for each person doing the work) is what will make the boundary more realistic.
Understanding what powered the boundary setting is also important, because repeatedly breaking a set boundary might not always be a 'bad thing'.
If you're repeatedly breaking a boundary, it is possible that it's because that boundary isn't needed any more, or it can be moved.
For example, in the above case, may be the child doesn't need you there as often as they did. Maybe after school clubs, or evening activities means you can be more flexible. In that case, move those boundaries AND the weight from the guilt you feel from breaking them. You could set a revised boundary that says you'll do the Xhrs onsite and up to Y hours flexibly providing remote support, but perhaps that needs to be reflected financially too (that's up to you).
If you're recurrently breaking boundaries that you acknowledge you still need, then you need to work through what's powering the boundary breaking. Resolve that/those, and you'll find it easier to hold firm.
As always, if something is troubling you, please consider whether you think you would benefit from getting relevant support. https://helplines.org/helplines/
Oh, and for those of you who didn’t come here via Facebook or Instagram, and are wondering what in the world the image at the head of this piece is… It’s a photograph of two batteries hidden behind a crumbling stone wall, and dying field boundary bush, which are powering an old electric fence. Spotting those batteries was the ‘eugh’ moment of self awareness when I realised I too had some work to do. I realise it’s not the prettiest image ever, but it means something to me and maybe this description will mean something to you.
Copyright : @highcroftwriting 2023